


The Joker's Ultimate Trick

by DoctorDoujin



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman - Fandom, Batman: The Animated Series, Harley Quinn (Comics)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 07:45:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20560733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorDoujin/pseuds/DoctorDoujin
Summary: The Joker's driving Harley to the brink - but when Batman joins in, Gotham City will never be the same.





	The Joker's Ultimate Trick

Harley beamed in the black shadow of Gotham Cathedral. The hour of trial had passed, and now was the moment of joy. Her lover was waiting, his grin a lurid red; she imagined it wet from feasting at the spoils of their conspiracy. All that was needed was to begin the plan, to usurp the wan order of dull care and impose their ecstasy, volcanic, upon this place.

She raised her head, and whispered the command.

"We love in a society." 

The door swung open, and there stood the Joker with open arms.

"Ready, cupcake?"

"Yes, Mr. J!" Harley shouted. "It's time to say the Holy Rosary!"

Without hesitation, Harley leaped up to the altar, pulled out her beads, and made the sign of the cross.

I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth;  
I believe in Jesus Christ His only Son our Lord;  
He was conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit, and born of the Virgin Mary,  
He suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried.  
He descended to the dead. On the third day He rose again.  
He ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the Father.  
He will come again to judge the living and the dead.  
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name.  
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.  
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,  
as we forgive those who trespass against us,  
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. 

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Glory be to the Father,  
and to the Son,  
and to the Holy Spirit:  
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be,  
world without end. 

"Beautiful, Harley."

"Today we're doing the Sorrowful Mysteries, Mr. J!"

"You're gonna see the tears of a clown."

Harley giggled.

"The First Sorrowful Mystery - The Agony in the Garden."

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name.  
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.  
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,  
as we forgive those who trespass against us,  
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. 

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Glory be to the Father,  
and to the Son,  
and to the Holy Spirit:  
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be,  
world without end. 

"Harley?"

"Yes, puddin'?"

"This reminds me of the time the Penguin freed all of the penguins from the Gotham Zoo. They'd gotten as far as the arboretum when he realized none of the birds had been fed! Hours of pecking and screeching, blood everywhere, ha ha! It was agony in the garden!"

Suddenly, Harley's face was grave.

"Mr. J, that is not the meaning of the Agony in the Garden. It represents the anguish of Jesus as he begs to avoid the suffering of his Crucifixion, ultimately accepting the will of God, our Father."

"Oh, right! Please continue, my pretty pastry."

Harley cleared her throat.

"The Second Sorrowful Mystery – The Scourging at the Pillar."

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name.  
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.  
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,  
as we forgive those who trespass against us,  
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. 

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Glory be to the Father,  
and to the Son,  
and to the Holy Spirit:  
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be,  
world without end. 

"Harley?"

"Um, yes?"

"This reminds me of the last time Clayface escaped Arkham. He thought it'd be a good idea to head through the sewers, but he didn't know that he'd be coming up in a construction zone! By the time the police caught up, he was half concrete, and they were so scared they just kept shooting him, emptying clip after clip. I guess that time it was the pillar that got scourged!"

"Okay, puddin', this is not cool. The Scourging at the Pillar is really serious. It's when Jesus, our Lord, was whipped with chains and thorns, and the flesh was ripped off his body, all for our sins."

"Ooh, better rip into the next one!"

Harley began to reply, but thought better. 

"The Third Sorrowful Mystery – The Crowning With Thorns."

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name.  
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.  
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,  
as we forgive those who trespass against us,  
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. 

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Glory be to the Father,  
and to the Son,  
and to the Holy Spirit:  
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be,  
world without end. 

"Harley?"

"..."

"This reminds me of that girl you hang around with - Poison Ivy? One time it was me, her and the Riddler sharing a drink at the Iceberg Lounge, when the Riddler goes 'what creature walks on four legs at morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs as evening falls?' Ivy slams her glass down on the bar and says 'my beautiful ambulatory trees when I raise them to life with my powers and hated man cuts their limbs off and I repair them late into the night,' and the Riddler goes 'no, it's man itself that's the creature, it's a metaphor for life,' and Ivy says 'metaphors are for cops' and the whole building shakes and huge rose vines burst through the floor and squeeze the Riddler's head as he howls in agony, verily crowned with thorns--"

"Please, Mr. J."

"How may I please you, buttercream?"

"Please, I-- please."

"My pleasure!"

Harley took a very deep breath.

"The Fourth Sorrowful Mystery - The Carrying of the Cross."

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name.  
Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.  
Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses,  
as we forgive those who trespass against us,  
and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. 

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee;  
blessed are thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.  
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,  
now and at the hour of our death.

Glory be to the Father,  
and to the Son,  
and to the Holy Spirit:  
As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be,  
world without end. 

"Harley?"

"W-- what?"

"Here's how I say the Rosary!"

Ha Ha, ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha.  
Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha.  
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha,  
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha,  
ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha. 

Ha, Ha, ha ha ha, ha Ha ha ha ha;  
ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, Ha.  
Ha Ha, Ha ha Ha, ha ha ha ha,  
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha, Ha, ha ha ha, ha Ha ha ha ha;  
ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, Ha.  
Ha Ha, Ha ha Ha, ha ha ha ha,  
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha, Ha, ha ha ha, ha Ha ha ha ha;  
ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha--

"STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP, PUDDIN', STOP, OH GOD, GOD STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT, YOU CAN'T MAKE A JOKE OUT THE HOLY VIRGIN MOTHER, AAAAAAAAAAA--" 

Then Batman crashed through the roof.

"Joker, time to pull up the stakes on your circus of crime!"

"Ho ho, Batsy," the Joker cackled, "looks like the stakes are already high!"

Harley stood between them, hands raised and fingers tight around the eleventh bead from a total circumnavigation of the Rosary chain.

Batman gasped.

"Is that-- the Holy Rosary?"

"Batman!" Harley cried, "are you a Catholic too?"

"I'm an Episcopalian," Batman replied.

The Joker threw his arms around the two of them. "Wonderful! Batman, in the spirit of heroic self-abnegation, why don't you tackle the Fifth Sorrowful Mystery?"

"Oh, would you?!" Harley pleaded.

Batman smiled.

"I'd be glad." 

And when they were come to the place, which is called Calvary, there they crucified him, and the malefactors, one on the right hand, and the other on the left. 

Then said Batman, I'm Batman. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots. 

And the people stood beholding. And the rulers also with them derided him, saying, Ha ha ha; ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha Batman, ha ha ha Batman. 

And the soldiers also mocked him, coming to him, and offering him vinegar, 

And saying, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, ha ha. 

And a superscription also was written over him in letters of Greek, and Latin, and Hebrew, THIS IS BATMAN. 

And one of the malefactors which were hanged railed on him, saying, Ha ha ha Batman, ha ha ha ha. 

But the other answering rebuked him, saying, Ha ha ha ha Batman, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha?

Ha ha ha ha; ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

And he said unto Batman, Batman, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

And Batman said unto him, I'm Batman.

And it was about the sixth hour, and there was a darkness over all the earth until the ninth hour.

And the sun was darkened, and the veil of the temple was rent in the midst, and that was the earthquake that precipitated the unforgettable events of Batman: Cataclysm, which encompassed issues 719 through 721 of Detective Comics, issues 73 and 74 of Batman: Shadow of the Bat, issues 553 through 554 of Batman, issues 19 through 20 of Nightwing, issue 40 of Azrael, issues 56 through 57 of Catwoman, issues 52 through 53 of Robin, issue #1 of Batman: Blackgate - Isle of Men, issue 1 of Batman: Arkham Asylum - Tales of Madness, issue 12 of The Batman Chronicles, and issue #1 of Batman/Huntress/Spoiler - Blunt Trauma, available in the collected edition Batman: Cataclysm; followed by Batman: Aftershock, which encompassed issues 75 through 79 of Batman: Shadow of the Bat, issues 555 through 559 of Batman, issues 722 and 724 through 726 of Detective Comics, issue 54 of Robin, and issue 14 of The Batman Chronicles, available in the collected edition Batman: Road to No Man's Land Volume One; followed by Batman: Road to No Man's Land, which encompassed issues 727 through 729 of Detective Comics, issues 560 through 562 of Batman, issues 80 through 82 of Batman: Shadow of the Bat, issue 15 of The Batman Chronicles, and issues 47 through 50 of Azrael: Agent of the Bat, available in the collected edition Batman: Road to No Man's Land Volume Two; followed by Batman: No Man's Land, which encompassed Batman: No Man's Land issues 1 through 0, issues 83 through 94 of Batman: Shadow of the Bat, issues 563 through 574 of Batman, issues 730 through 741 of Detective Comics, issues 51 through 61 of Azrael: Agent of the Bat, issues 116 through 126 of Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight, issues 16 through 18 of The Batman Chronicles, issues 67 through 73 of Robin, issues 35 through 39 of Nightwing, issue 1 of Young Justice Special, issues 72 through 77 of Catwoman, and issue 1 of Batman: No Man's Land Secret Files & Origins; available in the collected editions Batman: No Man's Land Volume[s] One through Four, and the original graphic novel Batman: Harley Quinn; which can be purchased from your preferred comic book shop, bookstore, digital platform or online bookseller.

***

_Dedicated to the memory of Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen_


End file.
